Pursuit

Pursuing some unknown thing:
Though I'm a Christian and have always known my purpose is to honor God, I have still felt a certain ache for some unknown thing. I have relied on God and let him fill me, at least have tried, but it seems like there's something missing.

The Trigger:
I can't remember what it was, but something hit me this past weekend. I don't think it had anything to do with Christmas, even. I think it started during church, which is strange because I was incredibly bored during the service. The sermon was about discerning God's will. I think I was bored because my first thought was, "God's will is that we honor him" and my second thought was, "Anything beyond that is almost impossible to figure out." I guess I have this feeling that God's will (aside from what is specifically mentioned in the Bible -- like principles and commands that will help us to honor God) will be revealed to each person as they seek him and as doors open or close in life.

The Train of Thought:
My train of thought went from there to here: I have a good job, a house of my own, plenty of interests; I tithe, I pray, I read my Bible; I give to random causes when I feel led, I have served in different ways at different times in my life. I guess I don't feel like there's much left to know God's will about. Except a husband, maybe, and God's will on that one seems entirely invisible. Like maybe God doesn't see that I want to get married. Ironically, as I typed that last line, I thought, "Do I even want a husband? Am I sure?" So I guess I don't even know if I want that.

The Revelation:
If it were true that I didn't need to discern God's will for anything else in my life, save for the husband situation, I think I'd be sad. And that's what I felt for a minute upon this revelation. Sad. And really bored. And... blah.

The Rest of the Story:
I snapped out of my thought process and tuned back into the message in time to hear the pastor say, "offer yourself fully to God."

It's funny, because I have. It's old news. I did when I was 5 and accepted Christ for the first time. I did when I was a teenager at summer camp, when I re-dedicated my life. I did a hundred times during my teens and early twenties, after I had gotten distracted and God pulled me back. I did this past August when I chose to give up the worst pursuit of my life and return to my first love. (And of course the most recent is always the most serious and dedicated of them all.)

And yet... did I really? Fully?

I certainly turned from my sin and selfishness each of those times and said I wanted to honor God. I gave things up, I committed to be who God wanted me to be.

But I don't know if I've ever (at least in recent years) committed to DO what God wants me to do. Or go where he wants me to go. Sure, I offer up important decisions, like when I got the idea to buy a house, or when I'm car-shopping -- not asking for God's direction in those situations seems like a sure way to end up with a lemon. I've even prayed prayers of submission with little things on a regular basis. But committing to do what God wants me to do in isolated situations a completely different thing than committing one's life as a whole, an inseparable collection of events, actions, thoughts and pursuits.

The Continuum:
And now I find myself with a new dilemma. Not the choice to give up a sin, but the choice to pursue the things of God. It's like there's a continuum. On the far left is sin, in the middle is, well, the middle, and on the right is passion for and pursuit of the things of God.

SIN-----------MIDDLE-----------GOD

Leaving sin behind didn't necessarily mean I was pursuing God. (Though it is impossible to leave sin for good without God's help, I think it's easy to get stuck in that middle area, just trying not to be bad.)

So now I'm connecting the dots. Maybe the "missing thing" is a fire. Maybe the ache for something more is an hunger for true seeking.

I think I've looked for the something more in art (music, design), in business (success, helping others succeed), in food (coffee, wine, things I've never tried before), even in environments (you know, the warm, perfect feeling you get when you're in a coffee house or a great and beautiful church or a good friend's house). And I LOVE all those things... they all give me some level of satisfaction. But it's never, ever enough.

The Choice:
I have yet to make it...

But my thoughts at this point are this:

Maybe choosing to abandon my own ideas for what my life should be and throwing myself completely -- COMPLETELY -- into the heart of God will be thing that changes my world. Maybe this is the pursuit I've been looking for.